Today I Gained A New Insecurity

This post was written on Friday, 8th May 2020.

My brothers and sisters in melanin, today is a very significant day. Today, Friday, 8th of May 2020, is the first time I have cried over my weight. Let me tell you what happened:

Earlier today I tried to wear a top I bought at the start of my university journey back in September and it felt...tight. The zip wasn't going up. I hadn't worn the top before but I was very sure it was my size when I bought it. I was extremely confused, but I chalked it up to cheap design and wore a stretchier top instead. I knew I had put on weight since the start of the year, but I really didn't think it was that much. Maybe a kilo or two. Not a big deal.

I carried on getting dressed, put some makeup on and begged my sister to take some pictures of me because your girl was feeling cute. She took the first set and ladies and gents...what I saw on that phone?? Chile. I thought maybe it was the angle making me look blown up like that so I asked her to change it. Same result. At this point I'm proper balancing tears. I took my phone back and looked through everything again and this time the floodgates opened. I stripped down to my underwear and stood in front of my bathroom mirror and just cried. Sobbed even. I couldn't believe it. Me? A whole me?? The one who could eat like a thief and still have abs? The athlete? I was absolutely shocked.

So to conclude, today I gained a new insecurity. As you can imagine, the whole thing has really messed with my confidence. It's really different being the person who is insecure about a particular thing instead of just knowing of and trying to comfort someone that has that insecurity. It is really difficult looking in the mirror and not loving what you see. It's a completely different ballgame when you know what it takes to get rid of something you don't like but for some reason the motivation just isn't there. It's frustrating. It's depressing. It's hard. It's all the more harder when it's something you can't do anything about. One of my main insecurities is the length of my legs. They're stupidly long. I think about the times when I was much younger and at night when I'd lay in bed crying and praying to God that when I wake up I'd magically be proportional and it hurts. It's always a lot harder to accept something about yourself that you can't change.

Talking about things we tend not to like but can't change really makes me think about all the insecurities we've all had to deal with growing up, especially our skin and skin tones. We've seen from the recent fiasco on twitter with all the UK influencers that self love doesn't come cheap, and it definitely isn't something that comes naturally. Growing up you hear stuff like "My type is peng lighties" and "You've gotten so dark" and "Lightskins are barely black" and you feel like something is wrong with your complexion when in reality, there really isn't. Being black is a divine blessing. Imagine not being able to say nigga. Imagine not being able to be in the sun for more than 10 minutes. Imagine not having the versatility of black hair. Is that the life you'd prefer?

Loving yourself definitely is an uphill battle, and it's something that can be difficult to come about but unfortunately, no one can help you do it. A personalised journey is just that - personal. For me, when I wake up hating myself, I turn to music. I didn't wake up one day and know that would be my therapy, but I trialed and erred until I found it. It's just what connects with me the most. The funny thing about self love is that even when you reach a point where you can genuinely say you love yourself, you have to find a way to maintain that love or you lose progress. Whatever you do though, please do not drown yourself in self pity. You can never let yourself forget how much you love you. You have to work towards it and continue to work on it once you have it. You can never love yourself too much.

If you're still looking for what can inspire your self love, especially for your melanin, then you can try listening to music and see how you feel afterwards. It might just be that it's your language of love too. And to help you get started, I've made a playlist you can access by clicking here. It's not going to be in the links archive and I won't promote it because I want it to be more intimate and, to be honest, it's not for everyone. I want you to listen and realise that you are indeed royalty. I'm rooting for EVERYONE black, and I hope you are too. <3

Article written by Oluwadara Apampa