Music Saved My Life.

The last few years of my life have definitely been the hardest. People that have known me from high school or have been unfortunate enough to fall victim to my horror stories in uni can definitely attest. My A-level years actually nearly pushed me over the edge. I loved, lost, got betrayed, acted a fool, over reacted, under reacted, sold myself short, sacrificed the wrong things, blocked my blessings, had everyone's back but mine, led the blind blindly, got caught in crossfire, became collateral damage and completely lost myself. By the end of it, I was standing on a (metaphorical) cliff, trying to assess the amount of pain I'd really be in if I just jumped. At that point in my life - where I was desperately searching for reasons other than "Mum would be sad" to keep living, where every day was more painful than the last, where I spent every single day looking over my shoulder and every night wondering who was going to turn on me next - music was there for me.

I found solace in the music of a skinny, melancholic caucasian man called Rex Orange County. I know a few of you read that and went "???" (understandably - I would not have been caught dead listening to alternative music before that), but listen - that man had an understanding of pain that was so complex and so precise that you just KNOW the only way he came about that knowledge was from experience. Lord knows I baptised myself with that man's content. The more I listened to it, the more I came to appreciate the alternative genre. Unconscious growth. At that time he only had a few singles out (which, for the record, I loved) but my main focus was on his two EPs: 'Bcos U Will Never B Free' and 'Apricot Princess'. And you know what? With how obsessively I listened to those projects you'd think there were new songs on them every week. There was just something so sinisterly comforting in the fact that I wasn't the only person going through that kind of pain. It made it a little bit better, just a little bit, to know that someone else was suffering as openly as I was (because heaven knows even the strongest dams will fail if the water pressure exceeds what it was built for). The 'Apricot Princess' project in particular connected with me the most because it was written at the point in Rex's life where his only lifeline was his girlfriend, the way my only lifeline was his music. It was a very toxic type of symbiotic triangle, but at the time it was so necessary.

I graduated from A-level college in 2019 and joined university that year. I don't know why, but I felt as though leaving the environment that caused me so much pain and destruction would mean I automatically healed from everything that had happened in the past (and I have to laugh because THAT was the biggest lie I ever told myself lol). But to my credit, I really was trying. I was practicing mindfulness (Robbo won y'all), praying more, doing what made me happy and being more selfish. However, as we all know, growth is not linear - it's a process that has its ups and downs. So yeah, I still had my bad moments from time to time. While this was going on, Rex released his newest album Pony, which is an ode to the difficulty of the process of getting help and improving your mental health, but also the reward of taking back control of your life and freeing yourself from poor mental health. Almost eerily, he had again given me what I needed at the time I needed it. It was like I was going through what I was going through with someone who knows exactly what I feel without me having to try and explain it being there for me. And on top of that, I met the best, most supportive group of people in uni who also helped me in this process. I was finally healing. And it felt so good.

At the end of last year I had the opportunity to actually go to one of his concerts in London and...y'all. It was the most cathartic, most exorcising, most freeing experience I have ever had. I cried - not tears of sadness or joy - but tears of relief as I realised the worst of it was over and I could finally start to move on and go back to the happy, sociable, calm person i used to be. I felt cleansed and refreshed. It was perfect.

If there is anything I want you guys to draw from this post, It's that music has the power to transform. It has the power to take you places, to bring you back...it's the tether between reality and fantasy. Humanity's connection with music is innate - we know the influence that music has from when we're born. That's why when we're sad we automatically turn to sad music and when we're happy we go for hype. Rex Orange County is far from my favourite artist, but you never know what sound can help you when. Allow your curiosity get the best of you. Don't be afraid to explore the full range music has to offer. Don't stick your nose up at any genre because it isn't "cool" and end up robbing yourself of a whole potentially transforming experience. Allow yourself to let music make you feel. Let music save your life too.

Article written by Oluwadara Apampa